What if you could only vote once?

In the usual election it is always fun to vote for many different candidates using various false identities, preferably those of recently dead people. This is, after all, what our founding fathers would have wanted because they were always up for a good time.

But there’s nothing usual about this election. Some of the candidates are not white. Hell, some aren’t even men. It is all very confusing and disorienting and so this year it is especially important to be educated about your choices.

	Hillary Rodham Clinton is considered by some a strong candidate for the 2008 U.S. Presidency. No doubt, this is due to her ability to bench 300lbs with one arm. Detractors argue that Clinton will say whatever is politically expedient at the moment, such as “No, Bill, you did not have sex with that woman.” Clinton’s hobbies include: winning elections, secretly fuming, and spear-fishing. Clinton’s dislikes include: baking cookies, cigars, and all women named Monica.
	Barack Obama was born to a father whose roots extend to a nation so poor that, were he a child today, he would be adopted by Angelina Jolie. Instead, Obama comes from Hawaii, a state known for its sandy beaches, balmy tradewinds, and the lanai — an outdoor porch, really, but it sounds so much more exotic when you call it a “lanai.” Obama’s hobbies include: speaking eloquently, writing eloquently, and the WWF. Obama’s dislikes include: pineapples, hopelessness, and political experience.
	John McCain fought for this country and he’ll do the same to you if it comes to that. You can’t criticize John McCain because he fought for this country, although if you were to, you might want to mention his black baby. That worked last time. McCain’s likes include: campaign finance reform, Senator Russ Feingold, and the troop surge. McCain’s dislikes include: girlymen, true conservatism, and Vietnamese food.
	Mitt Romney was the governor of liberal Massachusetts. He is a social conservative, but didn’t tell them that at the time, making him also a savvy political strategist. His favorite band used to be Korn but now it is Creed. He drank Sam Adams in Boston but now doesn’t drink at all. Romney’s likes include: Joseph Smith, Salt Lake City baked beans, and wives. Romney’s dislikes include: everything he said he liked before.