Sometimes even Senators get sad inside

It is fashionable right now to publish stories about the looming recession. It is also fashionable to describe the recession as looming. Is it that dark blob there, outside the window, up in the sky? Sorry, false alarm—it’s just a tornado.

Of course, you probably already know what to do when recession strikes: preserve your remaining cash inside vacuum-sealed pouches, hoard chickens, collect the names of the elderly and meaty, and lock your sister-in-law in an airtight bunker, just because you can.

But in case you missed all this, Newsweek’s “A Recession Handbook” shares some advice sure to put your government-handout-spending mind at ease:

And don’t feel guilty about disappointing our nation’s leaders if you use the stimulus package to put your financial house in order.

Whew. Still, spending your free money on overdue bills isn’t something to brag about. Have you ever seen a disappointed Congressperson? The way the corners of their mouth curl down just a little more than usual? Their eyes well up like fresh bee stings. They sink into a paralyzing depression and lose their normally vibrant interest in pork-barrel spending, hardly even able to muster a simple “quid pro quo” for a lobbyist’s huge campaign donation. Just the sight of it is enough to crush the spirit of a child.

Let’s not forget the story of Margaret Roberts of Mankato, Minnesota. Naive Mrs. Roberts put some of her 1985 tax savings into a long-term CD, depriving the nation’s economy of her fertile cash. That selfish woman still suffers flashbacks and nightsweats from the memory of President Reagan’s quivering voice on the phone. She couldn’t see if he was actually crying on that terrible day, but she knew that he was. You can just tell. The phone shakes around a little bit. Plus, the sniffling.

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