America’s first “green prison”

California’s Berkeley Hills Center for the Legally Challenged proves that killing others doesn’t have to mean killing the planet. The new 500,000 square foot, fully LEED certified complex brings environmental consciousness to offenders convicted of the unconscionable.

From prison walls hardened by a tough straw-bale core to barbed wire rolled from recycled aluminum, residents of Berkeley Hills enjoy naturally climate-controlled cells thanks to smart placement of breezeways and an extensive roof lawn. And when the guards yell “lights out”, the lights that go out are energy-efficient CFL bulbs which use 80% less power than comparable penitentiary lighting.

	A full recycling program at Berkeley Hills combined with lots of free time makes it easy for prisoners to separate their newspapers, glossy papers, plastics, cans, bottles, batteries, tires, paints, and yogurt tubs.
	Inmates are supplied with 100% biodegradable utensils, including a versatile spork just as useful for scooping up mashed peas as carving out the eye of a traitorous snitch.
	Tending an edible prison yard helps teach convicts the value of (plant) life.
	Berkeley Hills’ sunny climate year-round means short and humane waiting periods on Death Row.
	With its recent 1200-acre expansion, Berkeley Hills has ample space for every prisoner to biodegrade naturally for as long as this planet lasts.

July 31, 2008 | Filed Under blarg

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Microsoft Relationship Support

Most people know Bill Gates as a computer genius and the richest man in America, but you may not realize he also has a gift for love. Matters of the heart are no more mysterious to him than memory allocation in the .NET programming framework.

Shortly before his recent retirement, Gates expanded Microsoft’s comprehensive knowledge base to help you troubleshoot the poorly documented realm of human intimacy.

[Click image below for zoom view]

July 29, 2008 | Filed Under blarg

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Drug addicts rejoice — for the Coke of the Month Club

Stop snorting lines of overpriced swill! Snuff out that flavorless street crack! Whether you are a casual white collar user earning six figures or an indigent addict squatting in a condemned warehouse, you’re getting tired of the same old thing. Join the Coke of the Month Club right now and you’ll receive a regular supply of gourmet gutter glitter specially chosen by our globe-trotting ghost busters.

There’s no place we won’t go, and no law we won’t break, to bring the freshest, hand-crafted coke directly to your door or alley. Subscribe now and you’ll receive our Snow White Sampler—four flavorful grams of our most popular lines and rocks. If you don’t get amped out of your fucking skull you can cancel your subscription at any time and keep the free blow as our gift to you!

Your free no-obligation Snow White Sampler includes:

Bolivian bubble gum: A single-varietal rock formulated at the peak of ripeness. Its pillowy soft mouth feel is perfect for users with few or no remaining teeth and is guaranteed not to irritate bleeding gums.

California cornflakes: This generously dusty domestic crop is suitable for casual freebasing any time of day. Goes with everything from trash-sourced chicken bones to cedar-planked salmon.

Friskie powder: A shade-grown coke available only two months out of the year, you’ll want to save this for special occasions like landing the new Apple campaign or getting out on parole. Hints of citrus and honey blossoms.

Paradise white: One of our finest candies, Paradise is a fair-trade cocaine synthesized by Colombian chemists earning a sustainable living wage. Recommended for use with locally-made base pipes.

July 28, 2008 | Filed Under blarg