Coke’s Illustrated Equipment Review: Reconsidering the Crack Pipe
Reconsidering the Crack Pipe
Conventional wisdom suggests that any pipe will get you high. Is there really a difference between bargain basement crack pipes and costlier prestige brands?
Among most cocaine enthusiasts the subject of smoking crack can often be a source of embarrassment—after all, you may as well compare a Parisian baguette to a slice of Wonder Bread. But we all have guilty pleasures and, for quite a few of us, that includes the occasional bowl of crack, cocaine's cheaper and more casual cousin. Whether you like melting ice cubes at a posh business function or in a urine-soaked back alley, chances are you light up in a dime store pipe—the kind you find in every grandmother's cupboard.
The basic everyday crack pipe traces its roots to neighborhoods around Detroit, Michigan in the early-to-mid 1970's. At the time, enterprising drug lords had hoped to market crack as a more affordable alternative to upmarket cocaine. But with no street pipes to spark up, dealers found few tokers—that is, until they began including simple glass pipes free with each purchase. Often lifted from high school chemistry labs, these early pipes had remained largely unchanged—until now. With manufacturers ranging from Oxo to KitchenAid, crack pipes are hotter than ever. New engineering and innovative designs promise stronger and faster doses of white sugar, but do they really warrant their higher price tags?
Chasing the Dragon
We began by selecting six crack pipes commonly available at major name head shops, plus one that we found in a dumpster behind the office, for a total of seven. Ranging in price from free (the dumpster) to $129.99 for an All-Clad fully anodized horn, we were careful to suck all rocks from the same batch of base to ensure consistency.
Lighting up from the dumpster-scavenged pipe proved difficult—simply setting off the fireworks required several frustrating flicks of the lighter, making it difficult to sneak a quick hit in the bathroom, for example. Once lit, the freebie pipe gave off more heat than smoke, requiring longer and deeper drags to get truly fracked up.
Testing the pipes in an abandoned house prowled by rabid dogs, the free pipe often slipped from our hands, which tended to tremble from both fear and withdrawal. In contrast, we were impressed with the ergonomics of Oxo's "Good Grips" crack pipe. Reasonably priced at $9.99, the Oxo features a thick rubberized handle so that even seizure-induced shakes are unlikely to set off a tragic and deadly fire.
You can spend upwards of $20 for Farberware's non-stick crack pipe, whose Teflon coating reduced buildup of freebase residue from inside the shaft. Likewise, ash is easily wiped out from the bowl without any scrubbing. Unfortunately, the Farberware's tapered shape came up short in delivering the right amount of heat to properly melt the rocks, requiring an extra-long warm-up period during which you are not getting high.
Most modern crack pipes utilize a tubular design which draws the drug-laced smoke away from the heat source. Too short a tube and the smoke may still be uncomfortably hot when reaching your mouth, leading some testers to describe the smoke from compact pipes as "scorching", although by the second or third hit they could no longer feel pain anyway. Too long and the smoke cools excessively, taking on an unpleasant mouth feel which testers described as "bitter" and "chalky".
Two pipes depart from the traditional uzi design—Salton's bubble-shaped smoker, among the cheapest we tested, and Kuhn Rikon's double-barreled stainless steel unit, among the most expensive. While the $4.99 Salton is essentially a round beaker with a bowl glued on, its generous smoke chamber makes up for its short tube, delivering a respectable hit. At $109.99, the Kuhn Rikon stainless pipe continued to gleam like new no matter how filthy a mattress we passed out on, and the U-shaped design lets two people share a hit at one time. While certainly innovative, the average crackhead is more likely to stab you with a rusty spoon than offer a blow of his junk.
Recreational user or habitual addict
Undoubtedly, any crack pipe will indeed get you high but the road taken can vary considerably. If, like me, you save breaking bad as an indulgence for special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine's Day, the polycarbonate Salton is cheap and durable. Chronic addicts who jack up two or three times a day would be better served investing in a steel-tubed pipe like the KitchenAid or Kuhn Rikon, both of which deliver strong, quick hits and should easily last the rest of your short life. Fortunately, pipes this well made can be passed down for generations.
Most crack users stash their pipes in a secret hiding place, but if you prefer to keep it in on display, you can't do better than All-Clad's anodized smoker. The most expensive crack pipe tested, the All-Clad managed only average performance due to its overly long and extra-wide tube but its sleek, high-end looks will impress even the most brain-addled junkie.
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TESTING CRACK PIPES
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| RECOMMENDED | PERFORMANCE | COMMENTS | |||
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OXO Good Grips Crack Pipe
Price: $9.99 Composition: Polycarbonate with rubberized handle |
Appearance: ** Ergonomics: *** Sucking power: * |
Testers loved the "comfortable" and "grippy" handle but lamented an "off" smoke flavor "like raisins" and "fermented elderberry." | ||
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FARBERWARE Non-stick Crack Pipe
Price: $20 Composition: Teflon-coated aluminum |
Appearance: ** Ergonomics: * Sucking power: ** |
Teflon coating "easy to clean" but resulted in "cold" smoke which some found "coated the palate." | ||
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KITCHENAID Model 10 Crack Pipe
Price: $49.99 Composition: Aluminum shaft with stainless steel bowl |
Appearance: ** Ergonomics: ** Sucking power: ** |
A "solid" performer that testers praised for "compact" design easy to hide in pocket, but soft aluminum handle "easily dinged." | ||
| RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS | PERFORMANCE | COMMENTS | |||
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SALTON Bubble Pipe
Price: $4.99 Composition: Polycarbonate |
Appearance: ** Ergonomics: * Sucking power: *** |
Produced "well-rounded" hit with "balanced" smoke flavor, but globe shape "an accident waiting to happen." | ||
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KUHN RIKON Double-Barrel Crack Pipe
Price: $109.99 Composition: All stainless steel |
Appearance: *** Ergonomics: * Sucking power: *** |
"Wow" said one tester before his eyes rolled back in his head. "Nggh" said another who did not survive to complete his evaluation. | ||
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ALL-CLAD Classic Anodized Crack Pipe
Price: $129.99 Composition: Anodized 18/10 stainless steel |
Appearance: *** Ergonomics: * Sucking power: * |
Testers praised the "elegant" looks but were disappointed in "weak" crack strength and a "grassy" finish. | ||
| NOT RECOMMENDED | PERFORMANCE | COMMENTS | |||
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GENERIC PIPE Found in dumpster
Price: Free Composition: Junk |
Appearance: none Ergonomics: none Sucking power: none |
Smelled "like ass" and tasted "like old ass." | ||
We rounded up six junkies to test pipes found at major Boston-area head shops. Testers hit each pipe as hard as possible until blacking out and foaming at the mouth.
Chinese Food Network Presents 3 Minute Meals
The cable company is always adding channels I didn’t ask for, but Chinese Food Network delivers recipes that are both quick and healthful — just stay away from the fried stuff.
[click pic for larger version]
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This recipe for “Broccoli with benzene” isn’t half bad, but it still doesn’t taste exactly like the version I get at Main Ling down the street. Probably because they use imported benzene. |
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It can’t be stressed enough — you need to be sure the lead is fully melted, otherwise it results in a slimy mouthfeel and reduced brain functioning. |
Don’t be a cheapskate and buy the generic melamine. You totally lose the depth of flavor compared to artisanal melamine, preferably locally-sourced. |
America’s first “green prison”
California’s Berkeley Hills Center for the Legally Challenged proves that killing others doesn’t have to mean killing the planet. The new 500,000 square foot, fully LEED certified complex brings environmental consciousness to offenders convicted of the unconscionable.
From prison walls hardened by a tough straw-bale core to barbed wire rolled from recycled aluminum, residents of Berkeley Hills enjoy naturally climate-controlled cells thanks to smart placement of breezeways and an extensive roof lawn. And when the guards yell “lights out”, the lights that go out are energy-efficient CFL bulbs which use 80% less power than comparable penitentiary lighting.
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A full recycling program at Berkeley Hills combined with lots of free time makes it easy for prisoners to separate their newspapers, glossy papers, plastics, cans, bottles, batteries, tires, paints, and yogurt tubs. |
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Inmates are supplied with 100% biodegradable utensils, including a versatile spork just as useful for scooping up mashed peas as carving out the eye of a traitorous snitch. |
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Tending an edible prison yard helps teach convicts the value of (plant) life. |
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Berkeley Hills’ sunny climate year-round means short and humane waiting periods on Death Row. |
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With its recent 1200-acre expansion, Berkeley Hills has ample space for every prisoner to biodegrade naturally for as long as this planet lasts. |
Microsoft Relationship Support
Most people know Bill Gates as a computer genius and the richest man in America, but you may not realize he also has a gift for love. Matters of the heart are no more mysterious to him than memory allocation in the .NET programming framework.
Shortly before his recent retirement, Gates expanded Microsoft’s comprehensive knowledge base to help you troubleshoot the poorly documented realm of human intimacy.
[Click image below for zoom view]
Drug addicts rejoice — for the Coke of the Month Club
Stop snorting lines of overpriced swill! Snuff out that flavorless street crack! Whether you are a casual white collar user earning six figures or an indigent addict squatting in a condemned warehouse, you’re getting tired of the same old thing. Join the Coke of the Month Club right now and you’ll receive a regular supply of gourmet gutter glitter specially chosen by our globe-trotting ghost busters.
There’s no place we won’t go, and no law we won’t break, to bring the freshest, hand-crafted coke directly to your door or alley. Subscribe now and you’ll receive our Snow White Sampler—four flavorful grams of our most popular lines and rocks. If you don’t get amped out of your fucking skull you can cancel your subscription at any time and keep the free blow as our gift to you!
Your free no-obligation Snow White Sampler includes:
 Bolivian bubble gum: A single-varietal rock formulated at the peak of ripeness. Its pillowy soft mouth feel is perfect for users with few or no remaining teeth and is guaranteed not to irritate bleeding gums. |
 California cornflakes: This generously dusty domestic crop is suitable for casual freebasing any time of day. Goes with everything from trash-sourced chicken bones to cedar-planked salmon. |
 Friskie powder: A shade-grown coke available only two months out of the year, you’ll want to save this for special occasions like landing the new Apple campaign or getting out on parole. Hints of citrus and honey blossoms. |
 Paradise white: One of our finest candies, Paradise is a fair-trade cocaine synthesized by Colombian chemists earning a sustainable living wage. Recommended for use with locally-made base pipes. |
The Antiques of Truth
Mark Walberg hosts both “The Moment of Truth” on FOX and “Antiques Roadshow” on PBS. What if he forgot which one is which?
Alter ego via CNN…
MASTERING UPPERCASE LETTERS
IS YOUR WRITING TIRED AND LIMP LIKE ABE VIGODA IN THE MORNING?
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IN MASTERING UPPERCASE LETTERS YOU WILL DISCOVER:
- HOW TO GRAB SOMEONE’S ATTENTION USING UPPERCASE NAMES, SUCH AS “HELLO, GEORGE”
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PLUS…DID YOU EVER WISH YOU COULD TYPE UPPERCASE WITH ONLY ONE HAND? NOW YOU CAN, WITH MASTERING UPPERCASE LETTERS: ADVANCED EDITION. LEARN TO DEPRESS YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY PERMANENTLY AND FOREVER USING HOT GLUE.
ORDER MASTERING UPPERCASE LETTERS NOW AND RECEIVE A FREE LOWERCASE-TO-UPPERCASE CONVERSION KIT FOR UPDATING OLD MESSAGES!
Blogging as Osama
New gig writing under Bin Laden’s nom de plume, over at NewsGroper.com.
Resignations of lesser renown
- “In these past few days I have arrived at the difficult decision that my pursuit of new opportunities in general management will be in the best interests of my colleagues here at Kinkos Store #4157 on Sheridan Ave. It is my hope that their work, processing thousands of pages including 25 cent color copies daily, can continue without interruption.”
- “I have failed to live up to the standards I set for myself as lead singer of BITCH KILLAZ and for that, I am very sorry, and also drunk. I thank my bandmates for their love and understanding during this difficult time and hope that they will rock on and kill bitches not just for me, or for them, but for everyone.”
- “In looking ahead to my senior year of high school, I will be vacating my seat advising the President of the Class of ’09 to focus on my studies and spend more time with my family.”
- “Two years ago I attempted to lose a great deal of weight and, in an effort to cut my calorie intake, I began drinking Diet Coke. I started with just a can a day, but despite my best efforts, it became increasingly difficult to limit my consumption. I am confident that my fellow executives here at PepsiCo will support my effort to take the time I need to seek treatment for this personal, professional, and painful problem.”
- “You can take this job volunteering to tutor at-risk youth and shove it!”
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