When is HGH not really HGH?

Roger Clemens is telling the truth. He never told friend and teammate Andy Pettitte that he had taken human growth hormone. That Andy is always mishearing things, like the time he thought the Pledge of Allegiance says “and to the republic of witches’ hands.”

What Clemens actually said was that he’d been taking Hunan growth hormone—an ancient herbal remedy for enhancing performance, not on the pitcher’s mound, but rather, ahem, with getting to home base. Which is why he is so reluctant to talk about it. It’s a guy thing.

As for his wife taking it, too, maybe they were just following the directions on the bottle. It is not our place to judge. We cannot read Chinese.

Roger Clemens shops for Chinese herbal supplements


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Hot new trailer for the year’s biggest film!

Hooray! Savvy studio executives who have stockpiled scripts can now employ malnourished writers to cram them all together, firebombing strike-weary audiences with a barrage of star power unmatched outside of Alpha Piscis Austrini.


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What do writers want? Justic! When do they want it? Nowe!

You wouldn’t normally associate a labor strike with writers. Striking usually means not working, which is what most writers do anyway. But many people would be surprised at the conditions writers are often forced to labor under. And it isn’t a new problem.

I Love LucyDuring the “Golden Age” of TV, many writers came home at night with a hacking cough and blackened hands. On the upside, their forearms were massive.
The X Files
By the 1980′s, it was not uncommon for hit television shows to simply disappear “without a trace,” which coincidentally, is now the title of a hit television show.
2.5 Men
Today there are so many aspiring scribes in Hollywood that producers enjoy the luxury of hiring writers to produce only one joke each.



Hopefully the strike will soon end, and one day you will no longer have to be witness to images like these, because I’ll be too busy to make them.


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A model feast

Tic-Tac, the one-and-a-half calorie meal


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Sometimes even Senators get sad inside

It is fashionable right now to publish stories about the looming recession. It is also fashionable to describe the recession as looming. Is it that dark blob there, outside the window, up in the sky? Sorry, false alarm—it’s just a tornado.

Of course, you probably already know what to do when recession strikes: preserve your remaining cash inside vacuum-sealed pouches, hoard chickens, collect the names of the elderly and meaty, and lock your sister-in-law in an airtight bunker, just because you can.

But in case you missed all this, Newsweek’s “A Recession Handbook” shares some advice sure to put your government-handout-spending mind at ease:

And don’t feel guilty about disappointing our nation’s leaders if you use the stimulus package to put your financial house in order.

Whew. Still, spending your free money on overdue bills isn’t something to brag about. Have you ever seen a disappointed Congressperson? The way the corners of their mouth curl down just a little more than usual? Their eyes well up like fresh bee stings. They sink into a paralyzing depression and lose their normally vibrant interest in pork-barrel spending, hardly even able to muster a simple “quid pro quo” for a lobbyist’s huge campaign donation. Just the sight of it is enough to crush the spirit of a child.

Let’s not forget the story of Margaret Roberts of Mankato, Minnesota. Naive Mrs. Roberts put some of her 1985 tax savings into a long-term CD, depriving the nation’s economy of her fertile cash. That selfish woman still suffers flashbacks and nightsweats from the memory of President Reagan’s quivering voice on the phone. She couldn’t see if he was actually crying on that terrible day, but she knew that he was. You can just tell. The phone shakes around a little bit. Plus, the sniffling.


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What if you could only vote once?

In the usual election it is always fun to vote for many different candidates using various false identities, preferably those of recently dead people. This is, after all, what our founding fathers would have wanted because they were always up for a good time.

But there’s nothing usual about this election. Some of the candidates are not white. Hell, some aren’t even men. It is all very confusing and disorienting and so this year it is especially important to be educated about your choices.

Hillary

Hillary Rodham Clinton is considered by some a strong candidate for the 2008 U.S. Presidency. No doubt, this is due to her ability to bench 300lbs with one arm. Detractors argue that Clinton will say whatever is politically expedient at the moment, such as “No, Bill, you did not have sex with that woman.”

Clinton’s hobbies include: winning elections, secretly fuming, and spear-fishing.

Clinton’s dislikes include: baking cookies, cigars, and all women named Monica.
Obama

Barack Obama was born to a father whose roots extend to a nation so poor that, were he a child today, he would be adopted by Angelina Jolie. Instead, Obama comes from Hawaii, a state known for its sandy beaches, balmy tradewinds, and the lanai — an outdoor porch, really, but it sounds so much more exotic when you call it a “lanai.”

Obama’s hobbies include: speaking eloquently, writing eloquently, and the WWF.

Obama’s dislikes include: pineapples, hopelessness, and political experience.
McCain

John McCain fought for this country and he’ll do the same to you if it comes to that. You can’t criticize John McCain because he fought for this country, although if you were to, you might want to mention his black baby. That worked last time.

McCain’s likes include: campaign finance reform, Senator Russ Feingold, and the troop surge.

McCain’s dislikes include: girlymen, true conservatism, and Vietnamese food.
Romney

Mitt Romney was the governor of liberal Massachusetts. He is a social conservative, but didn’t tell them that at the time, making him also a savvy political strategist. His favorite band used to be Korn but now it is Creed. He drank Sam Adams in Boston but now doesn’t drink at all.

Romney’s likes include: Joseph Smith, Salt Lake City baked beans, and wives.

Romney’s dislikes include: everything he said he liked before.

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Reduce your carbon footprint

I myself don’t have any footprints, but that is more of a birth defect than a philosophy for sustainable living.

Reduce your carbon footprint


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A blarg is born

It is fascinating to trace the evolution of new words. Many people today don’t realize that “blarg” is actually a short form of “weblarg” which itself is a contraction of “we blarg.”

But what is a blarg? Is this a blarg? Yes. Is your nose a blarg? No. Is the King of Pop Michael Jackson a blarg? Yes. Janet Jackson? No. Tito? No. Jermaine? Yes. Marlon? Don’t be ridiculous.

Blargging is actually an art form, which is why people who blarg are referred to as “conceited.”


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