America’s first “green prison”
California’s Berkeley Hills Center for the Legally Challenged proves that killing others doesn’t have to mean killing the planet. The new 500,000 square foot, fully LEED certified complex brings environmental consciousness to offenders convicted of the unconscionable.
From prison walls hardened by a tough straw-bale core to barbed wire rolled from recycled aluminum, residents of Berkeley Hills enjoy naturally climate-controlled cells thanks to smart placement of breezeways and an extensive roof lawn. And when the guards yell “lights out”, the lights that go out are energy-efficient CFL bulbs which use 80% less power than comparable penitentiary lighting.
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A full recycling program at Berkeley Hills combined with lots of free time makes it easy for prisoners to separate their newspapers, glossy papers, plastics, cans, bottles, batteries, tires, paints, and yogurt tubs. |
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Inmates are supplied with 100% biodegradable utensils, including a versatile spork just as useful for scooping up mashed peas as carving out the eye of a traitorous snitch. |
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Tending an edible prison yard helps teach convicts the value of (plant) life. |
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Berkeley Hills’ sunny climate year-round means short and humane waiting periods on Death Row. |
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With its recent 1200-acre expansion, Berkeley Hills has ample space for every prisoner to biodegrade naturally for as long as this planet lasts. |
Microsoft Relationship Support
Most people know Bill Gates as a computer genius and the richest man in America, but you may not realize he also has a gift for love. Matters of the heart are no more mysterious to him than memory allocation in the .NET programming framework.
Shortly before his recent retirement, Gates expanded Microsoft’s comprehensive knowledge base to help you troubleshoot the poorly documented realm of human intimacy. [Click image below for large view] [Also @ News Groper]
Drug addicts rejoice — for the Coke of the Month Club
Stop snorting lines of overpriced swill! Snuff out that flavorless street crack! Whether you are a casual white collar user earning six figures or an indigent addict squatting in a condemned warehouse, you’re getting tired of the same old thing. Join the Coke of the Month Club right now and you’ll receive a regular supply of gourmet gutter glitter specially chosen by our globe-trotting ghost busters.
There’s no place we won’t go, and no law we won’t break, to bring the freshest, hand-crafted coke directly to your door or alley. Subscribe now and you’ll receive our Snow White Sampler—four flavorful grams of our most popular lines and rocks. If you don’t get amped out of your fucking skull you can cancel your subscription at any time and keep the free blow as our gift to you!
Your free no-obligation Snow White Sampler includes:
 Bolivian bubble gum: A single-varietal rock formulated at the peak of ripeness. Its pillowy soft mouth feel is perfect for users with few or no remaining teeth and is guaranteed not to irritate bleeding gums. |
 California cornflakes: This generously dusty domestic crop is suitable for casual freebasing any time of day. Goes with everything from trash-sourced chicken bones to cedar-planked salmon. |
 Friskie powder: A shade-grown coke available only two months out of the year, you’ll want to save this for special occasions like landing the new Apple campaign or getting out on parole. Hints of citrus and honey blossoms. |
 Paradise white: One of our finest candies, Paradise is a fair-trade cocaine synthesized by Colombian chemists earning a sustainable living wage. Recommended for use with locally-made base pipes. |
The Antiques of Truth
Mark Walberg hosts both “The Moment of Truth” on FOX and “Antiques Roadshow” on PBS. What if he forgot which one is which?
Alter ego via CNN…
MASTERING UPPERCASE LETTERS
IS YOUR WRITING TIRED AND LIMP LIKE ABE VIGODA IN THE MORNING?
YOU NEED THE POWER OF UPPERCASE! WITH UPPERCASE YOU CAN ENJOY MORE POTENT WORDS THAN EVERY LOWERCASE LETTER IN THE ENTIRE ALPHABET! COMBINED!
IN MASTERING UPPERCASE LETTERS YOU WILL DISCOVER:
- HOW TO GRAB SOMEONE’S ATTENTION USING UPPERCASE NAMES, SUCH AS “HELLO, GEORGE”
- HOW TO ADD OOMPH TO PROPER NOUNS, LIKE “I SENT A POUCH OF ANTHRAX TO THE WHITE HOUSE”
- HOW TO BETTER PROVE YOUR POINT, FOR EXAMPLE, “I WILL GET YOU”
PLUS…DID YOU EVER WISH YOU COULD TYPE UPPERCASE WITH ONLY ONE HAND? NOW YOU CAN, WITH MASTERING UPPERCASE LETTERS: ADVANCED EDITION. LEARN TO DEPRESS YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY PERMANENTLY AND FOREVER USING HOT GLUE.
ORDER MASTERING UPPERCASE LETTERS NOW AND RECEIVE A FREE LOWERCASE-TO-UPPERCASE CONVERSION KIT FOR UPDATING OLD MESSAGES!
Blogging as Osama
New gig writing under Bin Laden’s nom de plume, over at NewsGroper.com.
Resignations of lesser renown
- “In these past few days I have arrived at the difficult decision that my pursuit of new opportunities in general management will be in the best interests of my colleagues here at Kinkos Store #4157 on Sheridan Ave. It is my hope that their work, processing thousands of pages including 25 cent color copies daily, can continue without interruption.”
- “I have failed to live up to the standards I set for myself as lead singer of BITCH KILLAZ and for that, I am very sorry, and also drunk. I thank my bandmates for their love and understanding during this difficult time and hope that they will rock on and kill bitches not just for me, or for them, but for everyone.”
- “In looking ahead to my senior year of high school, I will be vacating my seat advising the President of the Class of ‘09 to focus on my studies and spend more time with my family.”
- “Two years ago I attempted to lose a great deal of weight and, in an effort to cut my calorie intake, I began drinking Diet Coke. I started with just a can a day, but despite my best efforts, it became increasingly difficult to limit my consumption. I am confident that my fellow executives here at PepsiCo will support my effort to take the time I need to seek treatment for this personal, professional, and painful problem.”
- “You can take this job volunteering to tutor at-risk youth and shove it!”
Cooks Illustrated Recipe: Boiled Water
Cooks Illustrated Recipe: Boiled Water
by Cooky McKitchener
Like many people, I enjoy the moist aroma and sinus-soothing vapors from a pot of boiling water. But it is often difficult to get a roiling boil just the way you remember it as a child. In my quest to perfect boiled water I began by collecting a dozen different recipes ranging from family hand-me-downs to restaurant standbys. But none of these recipes produced a water boil precisely as I remember it. Some were too slow and too dilute while others were dense and tough. All of the recipes shared a few typical ingredients, such as water. But otherwise they had little in common.
In my first effort to produce a reliable boiled water, I began with a cylindrical steel container, or “pot” as often called for in traditional recipes. Placing the pot four inches away from the flame, the water did eventually come to a boil, but it took six hours. This might have been acceptable in our grandparents’ day, but many of us no longer have so much time to spare. I then moved the pot closer, a mere two inches from the flame. Indeed, the water boiled in just three hours – a big improvement.
Still, tasters said that the boiled water exhibited a “metallic” tang. I suspected this off-note might have been imparted by the steel container or “pot” itself. Next, I removed the pot from the equation, pouring the water directly into the flame. As I’d hoped, the water boiled almost instantly, exhibiting just the warm vapor I was looking for.
Although direct contact with the burner did boil the water quickly, testers found it difficult to get close to the liquid without having their faces burned off by the gas flame. Clearly I needed to find another way.
I then remembered a vessel I’d received as a gift from an ex-mother-in-law that has been kept in a remote storage locker for many years. I drove there in my car at a speed of 30MPH. After observing that it was taking a long time to get there, I increased my speed to 60MPH. This worked well and I arrived at my destination in half the time.
The vessel is constructed with a layer of ceramic enamel enrobed over an iron core. It can hold about 8 quarts of liquid and weighs 400 pounds. I strapped the container to a trailer hitch and returned to the test kitchen.
Because of the vessel’s weight, I used a winch to lift it onto the burner. Once in place, I filled it with water and lit the stove. Voila! In just about ten minutes, there was a perfectly boiled pot of water. The steaming vapor had just the level of moisture I’d remembered, and because of the enamel coating, the boiled water did not take on any unwanted flavors.
BOILED WATER
1 heavy enamel-coated iron pot with winch
8 quarts of water
Lift pot onto burner and fill with water. Turn burner on high and wait ten minutes. Serve immediately.
My Year of Cannibalism
It seems like eating ethically is getting harder every day. You can give up meat because animals are treated badly, but then you have to eat more vegetables, which are picked by migrant workers who are treated badly. You can limit yourself to foods produced locally, but then your neighbor’s boy will probably have his legs chopped off in a combine accident, resulting in very awkward conversations at the farmer’s market. “Thanks for the carrots, sorry about your kid. Any plans for more?”
Clearly, people are the cause of all these problems. Without their meddling in the food chain, I could eat my three squares with a clear conscience. So I tried something new. For twelve months, I resolved to eat only my fellow human beings. No farm animals would die because of me. No fruits or vegetables would be harvested by underpaid and undocumented workers on my behalf. You can read all about it in my groundbreaking new memoir, My Year of Cannibalism.
I know what you’re thinking. How did I get enough fiber? My cholesterol must have gone through the roof! But I developed a system.
First, it is important to eat at least five servings of vegetarian per day. If you can eat vegans, so much the better, but they can be a little bland so you need to alternate them with someone tastier, like pastry chefs. When I need a buzz I choose men with large beer guts. On special occasions I like small children. They don’t offer a lot in the way of nutritional value, but their young and tender muscles are like butter. I do not eat actual butter because it comes from cows, and that’s just wrong.
Throughout my year of cannibalism, I learned several tips and tricks that make a manivorous diet more manageable:
- Eat people earlier in the day rather than later. Killing someone just for a midnight snack takes a lot of energy and will keep you up all night.
- Rather than eat a whole person in one sitting, enjoy several smaller meals throughout the day. A few fingers in the morning will get your metabolism started and an eyeball or two in the afternoon will keep you from crashing.
- Many people do not like to be eaten and will become frightened if you come right at them with a knife and fork. Scared humans make for a tough meal because the adrenaline tenses their muscles. Get to know them first and make them feel comfortable. Give them a drink or two first, preferably something mixed generously with gamma hydroxybutyrate.
- Try to eat people who live within 50 miles of your home. They will not have to travel as far, which will reduce your carbon footprint while eliminating theirs.
Now that my twelve months of cannibalism are through, I am often asked if I plan to continue? To tell you the truth, I thought it would be a difficult adjustment. But once you get used to eating people and everything that goes with it — finding them, trapping them, and so on — it really just becomes a part of your lifestyle. I can hardly imagine going back to food produced by farmers.