Cook’s Illustrated: The Day I Killed a Man
THE DAY I KILLED A MAN
by Christopher Kimball
It was no ordinary Saturday down at Babbott’s Dairy. For one thing, the dairy—which had been in continuous operation for the better part of a half-century and was still going strong despite the recent listeria scare—was forced to shut down when their generator broke free and rolled all the way down the western slope of Jack Robilliard’s hay field.
All of which came to my attention only because I happened past that hay field on my way to pick up the spring hens from Mrs. Havermeyer, from whom I have been purchasing her fine poultry since the summer I turned seventeen. That was also the year I lost my virginity to her daughter Eileen Havermeyer, but between you and me, I preferred the lay of the hens. If you’ve never had the pleasure of an egg scramble produced by Mrs. Havermeyer’s chickens, you simply have never had a true egg scramble. Delicate like an April mist and fluffy like carnival cotton candy. But on this extraordinary Saturday, I never made it to Mrs. Havermeyer’s because of that runaway generator, which had become stuck in the mud right there in the middle of the only road across town.
I always carry a hundred yard spool of number four gauge twine in my truck. Three winters ago this twine nearly saved Christmas dinner. That was the year we hosted my cousin Alice’s family, including her twin sons Alan and Allen. Alice rarely passes through these parts anymore—she left the area during a particularly fervent bout of rebelliousness while still a teenager and joined with a charismatic cult. I don’t always approve of the lifestyle they lead, particularly with respect to their prohibition on the wearing of suspenders, but you simply cannot beat Alice’s homemade apple pie. She tells me that her secret is macerating the apples in a mixture of lemon juice, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt for no less than three hours’ time. Her sons Alan and Allen are addicted to black tar heroin which they inject between their toes and so their guest quarters are prepared in the newly renovated carriage house about fifty yards from our main quarters.
The spool of twine was tightly wound around the escaped generator and threaded through the ball hitch on my 1978 Ford flatbed. I bought the truck in like new condition from Jed Babbott, who founded the dairy farm that had now lost their generator. Jed himself had bought the vehicle earlier that same year but had trouble making the payments because he owed twenty-seven thousand dollars in gambling debt to the nearby Mohican tribe. The month I purchased the Ford was also the second time I slept with Eileen Havermeyer. I swore it would be my last.
Before I could turn over the engine in an effort to free the generator and return it to the Babbott Dairy, who should stroll by but old Dickie Theroux. Dickie was known to have a mouth on him and this Saturday was no different. He told me he’d just had about the worst omelet he’d ever tasted and that it was made from none other than Mrs. Havermeyer’s eggs! Even cooked quickly over high heat and rapidly stirred, Dickie says the eggs turned out like “greasy rubber”. Well, that was about all I could stand to hear from Dickie Theroux. I also carry a twenty inch tire iron in my Ford, and I used it to crack open Dickie’s head.
Dickie was lying in the middle of the road, the blood from his considerable wound running like a spring river into the muddy pit where the generator still lay stranded. I knew what I needed to do, but digging a six foot grave for a grown man is a far harder job than it looks, even when the road is muddied from the early thaw.
The true colors of a town shine during times of crisis. Within minutes, I was descended upon by none other than the whole Babbott clan. Mrs. Havermeyer was there, too, everyone with their own shovel digging away and catching up on town gossip. By the time Dickie was completely buried and the generator finally pulled from the mud, there was just enough light left in the day to accompany Mrs. Havermeyer back to her farm and retrieve those eggs. We talked about what a hard day it had been full of surprises but laughed about how we would have to do it all over again tomorrow. I said my goodbyes and took with me the three dozen farm fresh eggs, making a brief stop behind the old chicken barn. And that was the third time I slept with Eileen Havermeyer.
Stuff That Can Kill You
Sugar! Lightbulbs! Plastics! Blowing Your Nose into a Mocha Latte While Having Sex on a Treadmill!
Every day we hear about new threats to our life. But where can you go to find every reason to be scared all in one convenient place?
Stuff That Can Kill You
Go there now. Unless you’re already dead.
Shirts You Can Wear
If you’ve never before worn a shirt, you’re in for a real treat! Even if you wear shirts every day, you may not know all the versatile uses ready to be enjoyed with a shirt from Shirtsyoucanwear.com.
With a shirt you can:
- Prevent public nudity by covering shameful areas of your body. Especially effective for women!
- Stay warm by repelling cold winds. Also works with air conditioning.
- Avoid sunburns–shirts can absorb 103% of the sun’s most damaging rays, prolonging your life.
- Clean up spills. Use your shirt to quickly mop up liquids including coffee, milk, and pet accidents.
- Pay off loan sharks. You can’t give away “the shirt right off your back” if you’re not wearing one.
- Define your identity, by wearing a shirt expressing thoughts and ideas written by someone else!
Always remember to wear shirts responsibly. Do not clean with sandpaper. Never fold using scissors. Not for use while showering or at nudist colonies.
Obama is black: exposing the truth
It is time for one person to speak out and reveal the truth once and forall. Barack Obama is not who you may think he is. Because of what you will find out, they will not tell you this in big media like CNN or CNN International or CNN en Español and NBC and CNBC and MSNBC.
Sarah Palin launches 2011 presidental campaign
Show your support — be a part of the most historical time in history!
Book release! Live Nude Cats: Tabbyloid Tails from the Furry Underbelly of Adult Feline Entertainment
Now available at your friendly bookmonger!
The Naked Truth: A Meowmoir
When two orphaned kittens are sprung from the local lockup, they quickly become the furriest new sensations in adult feline entertainment—until their scandalous lives and sleazy managers leave them washed up and clawing their way back for one last kibble of fame.
Three reasons to get your copy of Live Nude Cats today:
1. Full of nude cats!
2. Mostly pictures! Read it in under 46 minutes!
3. Less than ten bucks! Makes a great recession-friendly gift!
Steamy hot new video for Live Nude Cats
Craigslist adds new “Rapes & Murders” section
Under pressure from politicians and law enforcement agencies throughout the U.S., Craigslist has finally addressed concerns that its free classified ads are often abused for illegal activity.
To help their users more easily find the right section for these kinds of ads, Craigslist has introduced an experimental new “Rapes & Murders” sections on its Compton, California site. Users are already flocking to the new forum, and Craigslist hopes to soon expand it to more cities, including Detroit and New Orleans.
[click picture below to see full-size version]
Just in time for Passover–new Bacon & Egg Matzos
In this tough economy every company needs to broaden its market. With Passover right around the corner, why not bring the great taste of matzoh to families across the nation without regard to race, creed, or religion? What a delicious way to survive hard times.
Plus: Streit’s Bacon & Egg Matzos make a quick and nutritious breakfast any day of the year–just add syrup!
Laid off? Out of work? Join Al-Qaeda!
Lots of people work for someone they don’t like. In this depressed economy, you’re lucky to work for anyone at all. Which is exactly why there’s never been a better time to join Al-Qaeda!
With on-site training, free dental, and (permanent) maternity leave, what are you waiting for? Join Al-Qaeda!
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- Cook’s Illustrated: The Day I Killed a Man
- Stuff That Can Kill You
- Shirts You Can Wear
- Obama is black: exposing the truth
- Sarah Palin launches 2011 presidental campaign
- Book release! Live Nude Cats: Tabbyloid Tails from the Furry Underbelly of Adult Feline Entertainment
- Steamy hot new video for Live Nude Cats
- Craigslist adds new “Rapes & Murders” section
- Just in time for Passover–new Bacon & Egg Matzos
- Laid off? Out of work? Join Al-Qaeda!
- New Live Nude Cats
- Coke’s Illustrated Equipment Review: Reconsidering the Crack Pipe
- Chinese Food Network Presents 3 Minute Meals
- America’s first “green prison”
- Microsoft Relationship Support
- Drug addicts rejoice — for the Coke of the Month Club
- The Antiques of Truth
- Alter ego via CNN…
- MASTERING UPPERCASE LETTERS
- Blogging as Osama
- Resignations of lesser renown
- Cooks Illustrated Recipe: Boiled Water
- My Year of Cannibalism
- Le Art Film: A French Guy Looking Out The Window On A Train
- The future netopia is a disruptive steampunk hive hacking the analog hegemony
- Bestselling: How to write a book that flies off shelves, earns millions, and can be summed up in a 500 word title
- FOX Reality Presents: Are you dumber than an idiot?
- Asian cinema seems so sophisticated…
- Bullet Point Film Review: There Will Be Blood
- Bullet Point Film Review: Gone Baby Gone
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