Craigslist adds new “Rapes & Murders” section
Under pressure from politicians and law enforcement agencies throughout the U.S., Craigslist has finally addressed concerns that its free classified ads are often abused for illegal activity.
To help their users more easily find the right section for these kinds of ads, Craigslist has introduced an experimental new “Rapes & Murders” sections on its Compton, California site. Users are already flocking to the new forum, and Craigslist hopes to soon expand it to more cities, including Detroit and New Orleans.
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Book release! Live Nude Cats: Tabbyloid Tails from the Furry Underbelly of Adult Feline Entertainment
Now available at your friendly bookmonger!
The Naked Truth: A Meowmoir
When two orphaned kittens are sprung from the local lockup, they quickly become the furriest new sensations in adult feline entertainment—until their scandalous lives and sleazy managers leave them washed up and clawing their way back for one last kibble of fame.
Three reasons to get your copy of Live Nude Cats today:
1. Full of nude cats!
2. Mostly pictures! Read it in under 46 minutes!
3. Less than ten bucks! Makes a great recession-friendly gift!
Steamy hot new video for Live Nude Cats
Just in time for Passover–new Bacon & Egg Matzos
In this tough economy every company needs to broaden its market. With Passover right around the corner, why not bring the great taste of matzoh to families across the nation without regard to race, creed, or religion? What a delicious way to survive hard times.
Plus: Streit’s Bacon & Egg Matzos make a quick and nutritious breakfast any day of the year–just add syrup!
Pig Lover!
What is your favorite way to enjoy the pig?
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Laid off? Out of work? Join Al-Qaeda!
Lots of people work for someone they don’t like. In this depressed economy, you’re lucky to work for anyone at all. Which is exactly why there’s never been a better time to join Al-Qaeda!
With on-site training, free dental, and (permanent) maternity leave, what are you waiting for? Join Al-Qaeda!
New Live Nude Cats
Petophiles rejoice! You can now meet all of your kitty porn needs at the newly updated
Soon to be available in book form–see site for details.
New site features include message board and “Amateur Action”–create your own kitty porn and share with everyone including friends, family, and federal authorities.
Coke’s Illustrated Equipment Review: Reconsidering the Crack Pipe
Reconsidering the Crack Pipe
Conventional wisdom suggests that any pipe will get you high. Is there really a difference between bargain basement crack pipes and costlier prestige brands?
Among most cocaine enthusiasts the subject of smoking crack can often be a source of embarrassment—after all, you may as well compare a Parisian baguette to a slice of Wonder Bread. But we all have guilty pleasures and, for quite a few of us, that includes the occasional bowl of crack, cocaine's cheaper and more casual cousin. Whether you like melting ice cubes at a posh business function or in a urine-soaked back alley, chances are you light up in a dime store pipe—the kind you find in every grandmother's cupboard.
The basic everyday crack pipe traces its roots to neighborhoods around Detroit, Michigan in the early-to-mid 1970's. At the time, enterprising drug lords had hoped to market crack as a more affordable alternative to upmarket cocaine. But with no street pipes to spark up, dealers found few tokers—that is, until they began including simple glass pipes free with each purchase. Often lifted from high school chemistry labs, these early pipes had remained largely unchanged—until now. With manufacturers ranging from Oxo to KitchenAid, crack pipes are hotter than ever. New engineering and innovative designs promise stronger and faster doses of white sugar, but do they really warrant their higher price tags?
Chasing the Dragon
We began by selecting six crack pipes commonly available at major name head shops, plus one that we found in a dumpster behind the office, for a total of seven. Ranging in price from free (the dumpster) to $129.99 for an All-Clad fully anodized horn, we were careful to suck all rocks from the same batch of base to ensure consistency.
Lighting up from the dumpster-scavenged pipe proved difficult—simply setting off the fireworks required several frustrating flicks of the lighter, making it difficult to sneak a quick hit in the bathroom, for example. Once lit, the freebie pipe gave off more heat than smoke, requiring longer and deeper drags to get truly fracked up.
Testing the pipes in an abandoned house prowled by rabid dogs, the free pipe often slipped from our hands, which tended to tremble from both fear and withdrawal. In contrast, we were impressed with the ergonomics of Oxo's "Good Grips" crack pipe. Reasonably priced at $9.99, the Oxo features a thick rubberized handle so that even seizure-induced shakes are unlikely to set off a tragic and deadly fire.
You can spend upwards of $20 for Farberware's non-stick crack pipe, whose Teflon coating reduced buildup of freebase residue from inside the shaft. Likewise, ash is easily wiped out from the bowl without any scrubbing. Unfortunately, the Farberware's tapered shape came up short in delivering the right amount of heat to properly melt the rocks, requiring an extra-long warm-up period during which you are not getting high.
Most modern crack pipes utilize a tubular design which draws the drug-laced smoke away from the heat source. Too short a tube and the smoke may still be uncomfortably hot when reaching your mouth, leading some testers to describe the smoke from compact pipes as "scorching", although by the second or third hit they could no longer feel pain anyway. Too long and the smoke cools excessively, taking on an unpleasant mouth feel which testers described as "bitter" and "chalky".
Two pipes depart from the traditional uzi design—Salton's bubble-shaped smoker, among the cheapest we tested, and Kuhn Rikon's double-barreled stainless steel unit, among the most expensive. While the $4.99 Salton is essentially a round beaker with a bowl glued on, its generous smoke chamber makes up for its short tube, delivering a respectable hit. At $109.99, the Kuhn Rikon stainless pipe continued to gleam like new no matter how filthy a mattress we passed out on, and the U-shaped design lets two people share a hit at one time. While certainly innovative, the average crackhead is more likely to stab you with a rusty spoon than offer a blow of his junk.
Recreational user or habitual addict
Undoubtedly, any crack pipe will indeed get you high but the road taken can vary considerably. If, like me, you save breaking bad as an indulgence for special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine's Day, the polycarbonate Salton is cheap and durable. Chronic addicts who jack up two or three times a day would be better served investing in a steel-tubed pipe like the KitchenAid or Kuhn Rikon, both of which deliver strong, quick hits and should easily last the rest of your short life. Fortunately, pipes this well made can be passed down for generations.
Most crack users stash their pipes in a secret hiding place, but if you prefer to keep it in on display, you can't do better than All-Clad's anodized smoker. The most expensive crack pipe tested, the All-Clad managed only average performance due to its overly long and extra-wide tube but its sleek, high-end looks will impress even the most brain-addled junkie.
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TESTING CRACK PIPES
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| RECOMMENDED | PERFORMANCE | COMMENTS | |||
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OXO Good Grips Crack Pipe
Price: $9.99 Composition: Polycarbonate with rubberized handle |
Appearance: ** Ergonomics: *** Sucking power: * |
Testers loved the "comfortable" and "grippy" handle but lamented an "off" smoke flavor "like raisins" and "fermented elderberry." | ||
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FARBERWARE Non-stick Crack Pipe
Price: $20 Composition: Teflon-coated aluminum |
Appearance: ** Ergonomics: * Sucking power: ** |
Teflon coating "easy to clean" but resulted in "cold" smoke which some found "coated the palate." | ||
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KITCHENAID Model 10 Crack Pipe
Price: $49.99 Composition: Aluminum shaft with stainless steel bowl |
Appearance: ** Ergonomics: ** Sucking power: ** |
A "solid" performer that testers praised for "compact" design easy to hide in pocket, but soft aluminum handle "easily dinged." | ||
| RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS | PERFORMANCE | COMMENTS | |||
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SALTON Bubble Pipe
Price: $4.99 Composition: Polycarbonate |
Appearance: ** Ergonomics: * Sucking power: *** |
Produced "well-rounded" hit with "balanced" smoke flavor, but globe shape "an accident waiting to happen." | ||
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KUHN RIKON Double-Barrel Crack Pipe
Price: $109.99 Composition: All stainless steel |
Appearance: *** Ergonomics: * Sucking power: *** |
"Wow" said one tester before his eyes rolled back in his head. "Nggh" said another who did not survive to complete his evaluation. | ||
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ALL-CLAD Classic Anodized Crack Pipe
Price: $129.99 Composition: Anodized 18/10 stainless steel |
Appearance: *** Ergonomics: * Sucking power: * |
Testers praised the "elegant" looks but were disappointed in "weak" crack strength and a "grassy" finish. | ||
| NOT RECOMMENDED | PERFORMANCE | COMMENTS | |||
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GENERIC PIPE Found in dumpster
Price: Free Composition: Junk |
Appearance: none Ergonomics: none Sucking power: none |
Smelled "like ass" and tasted "like old ass." | ||
We rounded up six junkies to test pipes found at major Boston-area head shops. Testers hit each pipe as hard as possible until blacking out and foaming at the mouth.
Chinese Food Network Presents 3 Minute Meals
The cable company is always adding channels I didn’t ask for, but Chinese Food Network delivers recipes that are both quick and healthful — just stay away from the fried stuff.
[click pic for larger version]
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This recipe for “Broccoli with benzene” isn’t half bad, but it still doesn’t taste exactly like the version I get at Main Ling down the street. Probably because they use imported benzene.
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It can’t be stressed enough — you need to be sure the lead is fully melted, otherwise it results in a slimy mouthfeel and reduced brain functioning.
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Don’t be a cheapskate and buy the generic melamine. You totally lose the depth of flavor compared to artisanal melamine, preferably locally-sourced.
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America’s first “green prison”
California’s Berkeley Hills Center for the Legally Challenged proves that killing others doesn’t have to mean killing the planet. The new 500,000 square foot, fully LEED certified complex brings environmental consciousness to offenders convicted of the unconscionable.
From prison walls hardened by a tough straw-bale core to barbed wire rolled from recycled aluminum, residents of Berkeley Hills enjoy naturally climate-controlled cells thanks to smart placement of breezeways and an extensive roof lawn. And when the guards yell “lights out”, the lights that go out are energy-efficient CFL bulbs which use 80% less power than comparable penitentiary lighting.
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A full recycling program at Berkeley Hills combined with lots of free time makes it easy for prisoners to separate their newspapers, glossy papers, plastics, cans, bottles, batteries, tires, paints, and yogurt tubs. |
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Inmates are supplied with 100% biodegradable utensils, including a versatile spork just as useful for scooping up mashed peas as carving out the eye of a traitorous snitch. |
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Tending an edible prison yard helps teach convicts the value of (plant) life. |
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Berkeley Hills’ sunny climate year-round means short and humane waiting periods on Death Row. |
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With its recent 1200-acre expansion, Berkeley Hills has ample space for every prisoner to biodegrade naturally for as long as this planet lasts. |
Microsoft Relationship Support
Most people know Bill Gates as a computer genius and the richest man in America, but you may not realize he also has a gift for love. Matters of the heart are no more mysterious to him than memory allocation in the .NET programming framework.
Shortly before his recent retirement, Gates expanded Microsoft’s comprehensive knowledge base to help you troubleshoot the poorly documented realm of human intimacy. [Click image below for large view] [Also @ News Groper]
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- Craigslist adds new “Rapes & Murders” section
- Book release! Live Nude Cats: Tabbyloid Tails from the Furry Underbelly of Adult Feline Entertainment
- Steamy hot new video for Live Nude Cats
- Just in time for Passover–new Bacon & Egg Matzos
- Laid off? Out of work? Join Al-Qaeda!
- New Live Nude Cats
- Coke’s Illustrated Equipment Review: Reconsidering the Crack Pipe
- Chinese Food Network Presents 3 Minute Meals
- America’s first “green prison”
- Microsoft Relationship Support
- Drug addicts rejoice — for the Coke of the Month Club
- The Antiques of Truth
- Alter ego via CNN…
- MASTERING UPPERCASE LETTERS
- Blogging as Osama
- Resignations of lesser renown
- Cooks Illustrated Recipe: Boiled Water
- My Year of Cannibalism
- Le Art Film: A French Guy Looking Out The Window On A Train
- The future netopia is a disruptive steampunk hive hacking the analog hegemony
- Bestselling: How to write a book that flies off shelves, earns millions, and can be summed up in a 500 word title
- FOX Reality Presents: Are you dumber than an idiot?
- Asian cinema seems so sophisticated…
- Bullet Point Film Review: There Will Be Blood
- Bullet Point Film Review: Gone Baby Gone
- When is HGH not really HGH?
- Hot new trailer for the year’s biggest film!
- What do writers want? Justic! When do they want it? Nowe!
- A model feast
- Sometimes even Senators get sad inside
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- “Coming Soon”: The trailer
- Films for the Deaf: Episode 1
- Lost Letturz: Britney & K-Fed’s Secret Love Notes
- Lost Letturz: Bush makes peace with Iran
- Lost Letturz: Osama Bin Laden’s early threats
- The Four Seasons Trilogy 1: Endless Winter
- The Four Seasons Trilogy 2: Sixty Degrees of Separation
- The Four Seasons Trilogy 3: The F Word
- The Passion of the Crust
Order my new book and you will experience a sensation that starts out warm and ends with a strange rash. This feeling is called shame.