My Year of Cannibalism

It seems like eating ethically is getting harder every day. You can give up meat because animals are treated badly, but then you have to eat more vegetables, which are picked by migrant workers who are treated badly. You can limit yourself to foods produced locally, but then your neighbor’s boy will probably have his legs chopped off in a combine accident, resulting in very awkward conversations at the farmer’s market. “Thanks for the carrots, sorry about your kid. Any plans for more?”

Clearly, people are the cause of all these problems. Without their meddling in the food chain, I could eat my three squares with a clear conscience. So I tried something new. For twelve months, I resolved to eat only my fellow human beings. No farm animals would die because of me. No fruits or vegetables would be harvested by underpaid and undocumented workers on my behalf. You can read all about it in my groundbreaking new memoir, My Year of Cannibalism.

I know what you’re thinking. How did I get enough fiber? My cholesterol must have gone through the roof! But I developed a system.

First, it is important to eat at least five servings of vegetarian per day. If you can eat vegans, so much the better, but they can be a little bland so you need to alternate them with someone tastier, like pastry chefs. When I need a buzz I choose men with large beer guts. On special occasions I like small children. They don’t offer a lot in the way of nutritional value, but their young and tender muscles are like butter. I do not eat actual butter because it comes from cows, and that’s just wrong.

Throughout my year of cannibalism, I learned several tips and tricks that make a manivorous diet more manageable:

Now that my twelve months of cannibalism are through, I am often asked if I plan to continue? To tell you the truth, I thought it would be a difficult adjustment. But once you get used to eating people and everything that goes with it — finding them, trapping them, and so on — it really just becomes a part of your lifestyle. I can hardly imagine going back to food produced by farmers.


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March 10, 2008 | Filed Under blarg

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Comments

3 Responses to “My Year of Cannibalism”

  1. Barry Foy on March 10th, 2008 8:15 pm

    Greetings,

    The Devil’s Food Dictionary (www.devilsfooddictionary.com), which is the brainchild of a very dear friend of mine with a very similar name, defines “cannibal” this way:

    “A person who engages in the culinary equivalent of incest; that is, a hunter-gatherer who hunts and gathers other hunter-gatherers, usually while they are out gathering, because they tend to be less alert at that time than when they are hunting. Cannibals often consume particular parts in hopes of magically improving their own corresponding parts. For example, a warrior might eat an admired rival’s heart so as to increase the boldness of his own heart. In a similar spirit, he might make a meal of his neighbor’s nubile and attractive wife.”

    As for the healthfulness of vegans:

    http://www.thespeciousreport.com/news.aspx?newsnum=7070180

    Don’t let the dream die!!

    Barry Foy, Seattle

  2. Patricia Draznin on March 11th, 2008 1:47 am

    Dear Mr. Weiss,
    Your diet discovery is a revolution and your sensitivity has won me over. What a beautiful way to respect the earth and your body. All I need now is your cookbook. You are writing one, aren’t you?

  3. The Family Letter » Blog Archive » Sites of the Day on July 12th, 2008 6:41 pm

    [...] attention to one of the entries, where the writer is having a fun look at the next step in “eating ethically.”  It makes for a hilarious read, especially if you take it lightly, with the sense of humor [...]

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